Posted by: Ben S. on April 15th, 2011The author's views are entirely his or her own and may not reflect the views of the Utah Jazz.
“Great job this season, Francisco. You really added a spark off the bench. You didn’t settle for the fade-a-way in the post every time and you really made an impact on the team. Don’t stray too far from your phone because we will be looking to sign you to a multi-year contract during the off-season. You are nothing like Jaron Collins and your name is not fun to say.”
I know. I can’t believe it either. The Utah Jazz decided to hold their locker-room clean-out day on Thursday. And we all know what every Thursday is; Opposite Day! What are the chances? Here are a few quotes overheard from the coaches office yesterday when Ty Corbin, KOC, and Greg Miller conducted their exit interviews.
“We like how your game has progressed, Krylo. You’ve really taken advantage of your size and your focus has been fantastic. We know you will get many appealing offers from other teams but if you promise to take it easy on Kobe, we would like to bring you back. You smell nice.”
“Derrick, have you heard of Karl Malone? We don’t expect you to score over 30,000 points for us, win 2 league MVP’s, and lead us to the NBA finals like he did.”
“Jeremy, Jeremy, Jeremy. You are thicker than a pencil. You’re attitude is poor, you show no hustle, and you’ve got no upside. Even if you work hard, you will never be our latest 2nd round steal.”
“Who let the towel boy in here? Oh…sorry it’s you Gordon. Those Jazz fans who booed you on draft day were right and they are all smarter than us. You were a wasted lottery pick. Don’t worry; we will forget about all the people who gave up on you only half way through the season. Deron was a great influence on you and wasn’t in your head. You are not athletic, play poor defense, and are one dimensional like Korver was. The beard looks nice and isn’t too wispy. You should definitely keep it.”
“Ronnie, we have not tried to part ways with you the last few off-seasons. You were re-signed because you’re big enough to play the 2 and you have natural point guard skills. It has nothing to do with your personality and how freaking likable you are. If you were on Survivor, you’d be the first one kicked off the island.”
“We feel you should be the starter next year Paul. We also know that if you do happen to come off the bench, you will be understanding and will handle it well. Your hard work, unselfishness, and professionalism is not what we want on our club. That crap you pulled off in Miami was garbage.”
“Raja, We want you back as a player next year, not as an assistant coach or as Matt Harpring’s replacement. You are not the best interview on the team.”
“Earl, you are not very bull-legged and you suck at throwing alley-oops.”
“Welcome, Andrei. I hear Masha’s store is doing well. Jazz fans can totally picture you in another teams uniform next year. However, you won’t be appealing at all to a contender who needs a defense-minded player to match up with the elite scorers like Carmello, Durantula, Lebron, Kobe, Hayward, etc. If we decide to make you an offer, it will be for more than $8 million/year.”
“Hello Devin. Great job on defense since we traded for you. You just might be the slowest player with the ball that we’ve had since Ricky Green.
“We know, Al. You averaged 18 and 9. You also started all 82 games and blocked over 100 shots. No big deal. Jazz fans don’t take you for granted and you’ve got no room to improve. You would make a great gymnast.”
……Where you at?
Hey Laker Fan. Dig deep in your closet. Push aside all your Lakers, Saints, Phillies, and Jimmer gear. Go a little further past the Patriots, Colts, Celtics and Red Sox stuff. Look underneath those pairs of Girbaud and Guess jeans with the pager still hooked on the belt loop. There it is, right next to the roller blades and autographed New Kids on the Block poster; your old Chicago Bulls Starter jacket. Dust it off, put it on, and pretend you’ve been with them the whole time, through all their down years. Hurry, because they’re about to win another championship.
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