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Kobe’s Elbow to the Face
Posted by: Jimmy Bragg on September 8th, 2010
The author's views are entirely his or her own and may not reflect the views of the Utah Jazz.I realized that I haven’t written a good Jazz post in quite some time; let me be the first to apologize for that (there is this guy that keeps going around apologizing for me lately…don’t listen to him). Even with college football starting up, I still feel the old Jazz summer void.
So what do I do when I feel this way? I make a happy list; and in a perfect world, my happy list would make others happy as well. So that’s what I’ll do.
In my perfect world:
- Kobe Bryant gets a hard elbow to the face once a game.
- D-Will will publicly say that he loves Utah so much that he plans to finish his career here.
- Jazz games would be first come, first serve on all seats.
- Tucanos would cater a pre-game meal for free to all Jazz fans who wear a jersey to the game.
- TRAX would move faster… and be free to those over six feet tall.
- The Jazz would sell the arena naming rights to a company with a cooler name…like maybe, Casio Center…or Flying J House…or Stockton to Malone Honda…arena?
- Kevin O’Conner would get a medal for snatching Al and kicking Koufos to the curb.
- Jazz fans would have the right to take O’Conner’s medal away any time they feel he is not quite deserving of it.
- All the superstars and big names in the league will want to play in Utah now because of their sweet new uniforms.
- My car would stop making that knocking sound every time I turn right…oh, and it would also fly.
- We find out that someone in the Jazz staff has somehow lined the Jazz player’s jerseys with small razorblades for all Laker games.
- The “dancing Stockton guy” replaces all the Jazz dancers and puts on a show during every Jazz game (that guy is hilarious!).
- Gordon Hayward turns into a more athletic Jeff Hornacek… and he can hit the open three.
- Memo’s achilles comes back stronger than ever. He can suddenly drive to the rim faster than the speed of slow motion and he can jump higher than all centers in the league (see the Disney movie “Rookie of the Year”).
- Jerry Sloan wins Coach of the Year (that would have to be a perfect world).
- Rony Seikaly and Derek Harper are forced to move to Salt Lake City because of their MLM responsibilities.
- Michael Jordan admits he faked sick during the NBA finals…and also that he pushed Bryon Russell…and that his Hall of Fame speech was dumb.
- Fess stops being goofy and starts being Dwight Howard-y.
- Most of the players want to have dinner with my family and I after the home games…and they LOVE my wife’s sweet and sour chicken.
- The sound coordinator for the ESA would let me choose the game night music.
- Karl Malone would be a special advisor to the assistant coaches and would smack the players around if they started acting like babies or didn’t want play hurt.
- John Stockton would come out of retirement and back up D-Will.
- Booner would say something semi-interesting once in a while.
- Fess would carry Scott Layden back to the locker room on his hip (like a baby) after every win.
- Not one Jazz player will get injured ever again.
- After the season is over, Kirilenko will agree to a four-year, minimum wage contract.
- I have Usher’s abs and look good wearing shorts and loafers with no socks.
- D-Will, Big Al, Paul and AK all make the All Star team.
- When I receive my free season tickets in the mail, my wife is really stoked to go to every Jazz game with me.
- The Utah Jazz will be 2010-2011 NBA Champions!
Replies: 8
Views: 1077
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8 Responses
Nice list haha. As much as I really want to hear about Jazz news and updates I love the occasional “what if” or in this case “perfect world” type of posts.
Yes, Kobe elbow to the face + razor blades on the Jersesy + No Injuries + Champions. That’d be Sweet!!! Oh and definately Sloan=Coach of the Year!
When (or if) Sloan retires, they should start awarding the “Jerry Sloan Coach of the Year” award in respect to him. He’s been our COY for as long as I can remember.
Sweet stuff there. And yeah, what is with the music in the arena? Who picks those? Can we get them fired, or at least relocated? For awhile I was convinced it was the Jazz dancers picking the music because it sounded like the kinda crap only a teen girl would listen to.
I love every one of those things on your list. except your ab deal. sounds like a personal problem
hilarious!!! atta boy….one addition…The jazz dominate LA and be their bully for a change.
The music has seriously been basically the same for years. They might add one song to the rotation every season, but it is primarily the same, and it really needs to be updated.
Hate the music at Jazz games … that’s all I gotta say.