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Joshua Palmer: I have Jazzbotulism!
Posted by: jazzmanjoshua on October 14th, 2010
The author's views are entirely his or her own and may not reflect the views of the Utah Jazz.I was introduced to the Utah Jazz while listening to my grandma call players on opposing teams words that I would later be chastised for repeating. I started passively following and rooting for the Jazz at that time. I remained passive until I attended a game that changed my fandom forever.
Several years ago, I was sitting at Energy Solutions Arena watching our players warm up. Suddenly my eyes shifted and focused on a short, balding man looking disapprovingly at the courtside seats. It was Larry Miller. His piercing gaze was directed at the covers on the back of the chairs. He moved in like a shiny headed carnivore approaching its prey. Then, I saw something I will never forget. Larry Miller, a monetary monster in the community, shuffled seat to seat straightening each cover. The pride that man, whose name rightfully graces our court, took in his work changed a passive Utah Jazz fan into a Utah Jazz fanatic that day.
I became more dedicated to the Utah Jazz than Kobe and LeBron are to themselves. In the blink of an eye, I was more obsessed about the Jazz than Gilbert Arenas is about the NRA. I am now more loyal to our guys than Ron Artest is to his psychiatrist. The experience turned me into a person who was filled with pride when his six-year-old daughter cried because a pre-season game was not being broadcast on television.
One of the things that set me apart from many other Jazz fans interested in becoming Jazzbots, besides the fact that I do a mean robot dance, is that I am just as entertained by what goes on behind the scenes, between the games and off the court as I am with the games themselves. The offseason is not an offseason for me. I am intrigued by the process through which success is achieved as much or more than success itself. Everyone who contributes to the organization has a story, and I would like to tell stories about fans, ushers, concessioners, management, players and everything in-between.
I will also provide details in my posts that many would not think of:
- When Raja Bell told Kobe where to put his helicopter gas, he saved him (at a rate of at least $5 per gallon and 20 gallons per hour) $100 in gas money. That is likely the same amount that Kobe pays an amateur photographer to do his photo shoots.
- Jeremy Evan’s legs below the knee are actually surgically implanted pogo sticks.
- Bob Ross claims he liked the “paint” long before Big Al, and wants a cut every time such a reference is made
- Prior to every jump ball Andrei Kirilenko is involved in, he looks at the opponent and says “I must break you.”
- Carlos Boozer is being investigated because sources say he broke his hand while excitedly flipping to the last page Better Homes and Gardens magazine. He subscribed when he realized he spent more of his career in his garden than on the court.
Finally, if chosen I will replace my arms and legs with kitchen appliances and get a Utah Jazz tattoo on my forehead so fans can always recognize me as a Jazzbot!
Replies: 26
Views: 900
26 Responses
Love it! “I must break you!”
This is hilarious. I love it!
Dude I love it, thanks for the laughs.
I wasn’t a Jazz fan before reading this. But I was so moved I went out and picked up Louie Armstrong’s and Art Tatum’s entire collection. Thanks for opening my eyes to the world of Jazz!
You brought it strong Josh!
You are a great writer!
You are awesome. Just remember, you can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can’t pick your friends nose.
I’ve been reading Jazzbots for years but never really had much interest in writing other than in the comment section. This blog, short and sweet, is very well done with the appropriate amount of humor and sentimentality that makes a blog stand out. Well played.
Thanks for your replies so far! Please have your Jazz fan friends take a look as well. I just hope I am deemed worthy of the Jazzbot polo this year (see Annie Whittaker’s Jazzbot posting)!
Go Jazz! Go Josh! Go Future Jazzbot!
Excellent post Josh!!! Go jazz! And long live the Jazzbot!!!
I hate watching basketball and I am upset about having to register simply to vote for you. This was done out of pure man love for you.
Marby, thanks for the love. I believe you will find your way to the zen that is Utah Jazz fandom. Until then, I appreciate your vote.
Go for it!!! Good blog. Jazzbots own a special place in my life!!
Thanks, Linda! I really appreciate your comment!
I can vouch for his robot dance.
Awesome!! Both humorous and entertaining. Go Jazzman!!
Thanks, BG! Your comment made me happier than Dennis Rodman at a drag show.
You shouldn’t be able to have 2 articles. Cheater. You’re not my Jazzbot, that’s for sure! I hope you lose!
@ Hillary White.
I honestly don’t know what you are talking about. I have only submitted one blog for this competition. I think if you familiarize yourself a little better with the competition and articles, you will find that to be true. This blog is my only submission to this competition and I would be interested to know the name of the other blog you claim is my 2nd article.
Please let me know what you are talking about.
Well I figured this out yesterday, the site has some issues and when you sort by ‘most popular’ and then click on the entrants’ articles it only pulls up Brady Withers’ article since he is in first place currently. The only way to get to the top-rated articles (besides the direct link to the article) is to click on their username and then click on ‘contributions’. That is how I figured out that you had 2 blog entries. This one, submitted Oct. 14 titled “Joshua Palmer: I have Jazzbotulism” and one submitted on Oct. 4 titled “I miss Carlos Boozer”. Both of them have votes so I don’t know how you can say you only submitted one.
I just don’t think it’s fair to the other entrants. Although, you’re not as bad as the username “Champ” who has 8 articles. I reported you both but I’m sure they won’t do anything about it since I also told them about Brady’s article coming up when you click on other articles and that is still a problem. I guess I was a little harsh with my comment to you but I just don’t think it’s fair.
@Hilary – for someone that didn’t post a blog, you sure are up in arms over things you don’t understand. The most popular tab is just for that, blogs that are “most popular”. It’s not a bloggers fault for being voted so much at such a high level, they just rule.
You didn’t even mention my articles I’ve posted on here. That hurts my feel-bads.
@JC I know what the ‘most popular’ tab is for. I was saying that when I clicked on his username and then clicked on ‘contributions’ it listed 2 articles, not one. You don’t understand what I said.
@Hilary – I would stand by my statement of “you don’t understand the process and setup of the blog/site”. But I don’t want to come across as a big meanie/cheater-pants.
Did you submit an entry?
@Hillary: Hillary, you really need to familiarize yourself with the site. The blog entry entitled “I miss Carlos Boozer” was submitted as just a normal Utah Jazz 360 member. It was not an official entry. You can post a blog too that is not an official entry. My post entitled “I have Jazz Botulism” was my only official Jazzbot audition and is the only one within the competition that counts as an entry.
You could submit 100 blog posts today if you wanted and none of them would be the official audition post. I hope you don’t base your allegations on ignorant assumptions like this often. It reflects poorly on your character when you so quickly attempt to demean someone with false allegations. Please never become a detective. A lot of innocent people would end up in hand-cuffs.
This is a good one. Excellent work.