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“Dur” Letter
Posted by: Andrew on February 9th, 2013
The author's views are entirely his or her own and may not reflect the views of the Utah Jazz.Foreword; Due to recent shotty Jazz play decisions, I have been saddled with a therapist to help me cope with the steam billowing from my ears when I watch games. My therapist, who is a rather nice woman named Debby, has suggested I write what’s called a “Dur letter”. Dur letters are formally written letters that point out obvious things that people aren’t doing (Dur moments) So without further ado, my Dur letter-
Dear Greg Miller,
My name is Andrew, and I am a Jazzaholic. (Not to be confused with The Jazzaholic blogger) Through my entire life, I’ve happily watched the team as they climbed to the top, fell back down again, and everywhere in between. As such, I feel it is my duty to inform you of a few things that you’re doing very incorrectly.
First and foremost, your coach. While I’m sure you adore Tyrone’s raspy frog voice and his invisible mustache, that gives you no reason to invite the clown you had at your eighth birthday party to coach a professional basketball team. I’ll admit that he’s made extremely minute progress in lineup changes, I guess, but he still isn’t worthy of so much as a Jr. Jazz team. He has virtually no ability to govern this team. His lineups and biases are as ridiculous now as they were when he was a player. And to this, sir, you have my first DUR.
Next, I had a special delivery (;D) the other day from the Mailman. He says that he would be more than happy to come to Utah and coach our bigs, chisel them into machines that they have the capability of doing, and get this, FOR FREE! Yes, the greatest Power Forward in the history of basketball wants to coach your rising stars for free. Now, I understand that you’re a timid little fellow, and the big bad Mailman has an overwhelming personality sometimes, but I’m willing to sacrifice a few pairs of your soiled underpants to watch Enes Kanter and Derrick Favors morph into Paperboys. So this is where you get my second, and a very significant, DUR!
Next, though along the same lines, young mister Enes Kanter. When you ditched the Money Man, I thought Kanter would want to leave the Jazz, given that you dumped his childhood idol. But he doesn’t want to leave. He’s very happy in Utah, as you may have been able to see from his patented twitter signoff, #Jazzmanforlife. Against the Bucks, he had a historic night, tallying 17 points, 9 rebounds, 4 blocks and 2 assists, with just 1 foul, in the shortest amount of time EVER (17 minutes) joining the ranks of such players as Duncan, Mutombo, Garnett, Memo, Malone, and many others, but SURPASSING them. I figured that the kid would get some significant minutes after that showing. But, surprisingly, he not only got no more minutes in that game, but only got 7 minutes the next game, against Booooooooozer and company. Kanter, while he looks like a muscleheaded basketball machine, has a brain, and is aware that he’s being shiested. He posted on his Facebook account the other night, “#FreeKanter”. The kid wants to play. He’s bloodthristy, and has the ability to plow through opposing teams, much like Karl Malone did in his hayday. He even posted a photo of himself, tossing the ball in the air during a free throw like Malone did, on his Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=450800538326781&set=a.332924313447738.101688.137011709705667&type=1&theater) The kid knows what he’s capable of, and wants to prove it to you and Jazz Nation. Yet, he’s benched. A big DUR to you, sir.
Lastly, a cumulative dur. You need to make some moves. Your experiments aren’t working well. They might do better were they not combined with each other, but I say you should scrap them all. Al Jefferson is a great fit for the Bobcats, Pelicans, or Suns, but not for a team looking to win legitimately. Marvin Williams is a total bust, can’t shoot, slow defensively, yet he’s starting. While Jamaal Tinsley has done admirably, he’s a third string, and should be left there. Earl Watson should be handing out Popcorn and Cotton Candy during games. Millsap needs to split minutes with one of the young guys. Randy Foye needs to be in a similar situation as Korver was with the Jazz. Mo won’t return to full health any time soon, he needs to be your backup when he returns, and it’s time to get a young facilitating PG to start. The Junkyard Dog, Great White Wonder, HoudiniSap, UnderKanter and Officer Favors should be the main focal points of Jazz basketball. Hand the kids the reins, Greg. Like your dad did with Stockton and Malone. Dur.
I say all this in good faith that you’ll take them into consideration, Mister Miller. We invest a lot of time, money and heart into your team, and it’s very upsetting when they’re sitting on the base of the mountain when they have all the equipment to climb to the top. I trust that you’ll remove the DUR from your forehead. Good day, sir.
Replies: 6
Views: 371
6 Responses
Good post!
Forgot to add Burks in with the focal points of basketball. Guess he needs a snappy nickname. This is what proofreading is for. xD
Love the post!!
Ommfffffff ffff fffff. Corbin is gonna make me not be a jazz fan .. earl is the first off the bench lol… tinsley couldn’t stop thomas oh so messed up leg earl can.. im done smh..
Andrew. You are a genius. We need to find a way to get this letter to Greg Miller. And, if at all possible, we need to get Greg in to see your therapist.
He can work on his daddy’s boy/Karl Malone/prodigal son issues.
Lmao! @Andrew, if only!!!
Unfortunately, he didn’t get it last night.
@Pintz11, every time I see Watson at the scorers table, I think, “$h*t, we are gonna struggle tonight” wtf.