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Clandestine Means of Winning
Posted by: PremiumChicken on January 31st, 2013
The author's views are entirely his or her own and may not reflect the views of the Utah Jazz.The American Civil War was terrible time in history when amazing advancements in warfare were born. It was also a time of heroes and anti-heroes. One such person was John Singleton Mosby, also known as the Gray Ghost. Aside from being a very successful raider operating behind enemy lines, he was also a very accomplished spy, always gathering intelligence, even after being captured. Espoinage is was gives winners the advantage to win even if odds are stacked against their favor. (Favors, hehehe)
I realize that it is not the most honest, or sportsmanlike practice, but let’s humor the possibility for a minute. How do we cheat in a sport so regulated and closely examined, you say? Three words – Professional Lip Readers (PLR).
I got the idea from watching Joe Schmoe the other day where one of the cast is an actress playing a deaf lip reader. This strategy would require one, maybe two such talents, sitting in the audience, strategically positioned for the best visibility of the opponent’s coaching staff. The PLR(s) would be equipped with either a microphone, or a closed-captioning keyboard to capture what the opposing coaches are saying. Then, they would transmit this information directly to our coaches. Our coaches would either listen in or read from a stream of these conversations via headphones or handheld device.
How is this an advantage? Say it’s a close game and there’s a timeout. The other coaches would be talking about their strategy, like leaving Watson alone and ganging up on Hayward. Our coaches would be privy to this intel and say, “Hey, they’re going to gang up on Hayward. Let’s give the ball to Watson,” … wait, maybe that’s not the best example, but you get the idea.
So you’re asking yourself, “that’s not a very big advantage for such a big risk.” But wait, there’s more. How would you all feel if I gave you an avenue to communicate all of our team’s shortcomings directly to the coaching staff? This PLR strategy will also dictate to our coaches were the Jazz fall short through the opposing coaches commentary. Here, we have a way to get our coaches actively listening to criticisms. It would have more of an impact because it’s not coming from fans, but from other coaches in the league. I’m sure some of these insights would be like:
- How to get around El Jeffe’s (Al Jefferson) impermeable defense
- How to power play on defense by not guarding Watson (or Tinsley)
- How to stay out of Favor’s way when he’s dunking
- How D’Antoni had a burrito earlier and it’s not settling very well
- And many more…
Finally, this would be a boon for the professional lip reading industry. It would create a handful of new jobs in a recovering job market and I can finally say that those hours spent watching Baby Signing Time videos were well worth the effort.
Let’s get it done. Remember, it’s not illegal unless you get caught.
Replies: 6
Views: 311
6 Responses
How about focusing on just playing better than the other team?
Speaking of professional you need some help pal.
Oh, I’m waaay beyond help – but thanks for the feedback. I guess I’ll have to scrap another one of my harebrained ideas.
I do enjoy your sense of humor. Your all right..
Lol. What about hiring henchmen to whack opposing players knees? Oh wait
I had no idea Dwight Schrute was a Jazz fan. This post is awesome!!!