Don’t Panic

Posted by: Jeff Winget on February 27th, 2011

The author's views are entirely his or her own and may not reflect the views of the Utah Jazz.

This is the story of a book, a book called The Utah Jazz Fan’s Guide to the NBA Galaxy–not a Utah book, never published in Utah, and until the terrible catastrophes of losing Coach Sloan and DWill occurred, never seen or even heard of by any Utahn.

Nevertheless, a wholly remarkable book.

In fact, it was probably the most remarkable book ever to come out of the great publishing corporations of NuBA Minor–of which no Utahn had ever heard either.

Not only is it a wholly remarkable book, it is also a highly successful one–more popular than The Karl Malone Workout Omnibus, better selling than Fifty-three More Things to Do in Utah County, and more controversial than Ute Fan Bob’s trilogy of basketball blockbusters, Where Jimmer Went Wrong, Some More of Jimmer’s Greatest Mistakes, and Who Is This Jimmer Person Anyway?

In many of the more relaxed rural communities outside of the Wasatch Front, The Utah Jazz Fan’s Guide to the NBA Galaxy has already supplanted Bill Simmons’s The Book of Basketball as the standard repository of all NBA knowledge and wisdom, for though it has many omissions and much that is considered blatant homerism (*cough* Jordan pushed off *cough*), or at least wildly inaccurate, it scores over the older, more pedestrian work in two important respects.

First, it is slightly cheaper; and second, it has the words DON’T PANIC inscribed in large friendly letters on its cover.

Replies: 5

 

Views: 943

5 Responses

1. Frankie says:

   February 27, 2011 at 11:59 am

   This officially made my day.
2. TACOREV says:

   February 27, 2011 at 4:58 pm

   It also tells us the answer to Life, the Universe, and all of the Utah Jazz’s problems……. 42
3. Jeff Winget says:

   February 27, 2011 at 9:34 pm

   @Frankie,

   Thanks for reading. I’m glad my sci-fi geekiness made someone happy.

   @Tacorev,

   Are there any free agents that wear 42? Maybe that’s what Douglas Adams meant. Where is Deep Thought when we need her?
4. TACOREV says:

   February 27, 2011 at 11:03 pm

   The only significant players that wear 42 are Elton Brand and Kevin Love. Neither will be a free agent until 2013…
5. JT Thompson says:

   February 28, 2011 at 9:07 am

   then lets get a good free agent and have him wear 42.